An Accurate Breakdown of the Chick-Fil-La Disaster

OK, so by now everyone knows that Chick-fil-a CEO, S. Truett Cathy, has publicly declared it is going to maintain its complete douche-bag status by continuing to state that gays are awful and shouldn’t get married. Should someone tell him about this?

Many things have gone down since this declaration, and I thought that it might be helpful to break it down for you.  Clearly, some of these reactions are a good sign of the change of our nation and it’s attitude towards the LGBT community. Other than that, it’s just ridiculous.

Cathy has said before that he hates gays. Which, for a southern company, I guess I wasn’t too surprised. It sparked some interest, but the story quickly faded and most people turned a blind eye, including Willim (RuPaul’s Drag Race) and some other drag Queens.

Then, starting on July 18th, everything began to change….

July 18th: Comedian Hilah, “Have some chicken without the side of Bigotry.”

First, some clever comedian and cook named Hilah created a recipe for the Chik-Fil-Gay sandwich, a copy-cat of the hate-filled original. IMO, this tastes better as she removed the bigotry and homophobia from the sandwich and replaced it with organic pickles.

July 19th: Chatty Cathy, “Guurrrrl, you done pissed me off with that Chick-Fil-Gay.”

This pissed off Chatty Cathy (I love that his last name is Cathy) to no end. That fact that he named his company something that rhymed with GAY must really irk him, because  Cathy decided it would be best to reassert that gays are horrible people.

Editors note: This is when shit started to hit the fan and we took a journey to crazy town.

July 23rd: Mike Huckabee, “Whoa, Whoa, Whoa! I love my hateful Chick’n!”

Mike Huckabee is OUTRAGED that people are willing to stand up for the rights of other people, and more importantly, SO ANGRY that people would trash Chick-fil-A. So in response, he creates a CHICK-FIL-A Appreciation Day. Yes, let’s all ban together in the name of Fried Chicken.

July 23rd: Westboro, “Yeah! What Huck-a-boo and Chatty Cathy said, and more!” 

The Westboro Baptist Church is also angry, and stands beside Chick-Fil-A in their fight against the fag nation, saying that they only wished that Chatty Cathy would denounce all gays, and not just gay marriage. You would think that Chatty Cathy would start to realize that he might have made the wrong choice.

Editor’s Note: The Westboro Baptist Hate Brigade also threatened to protest the funerals of the Aurora Shooting Victims. This is your company, Cathy. 

July 23rd: Jim Henson Co., “Whoa, whoa, whoa! We love gays, and we’re donating your money to GLAAD, asshat.”

The Jim Henson Company promptly pulled out of their contract with Chick-Fil-A, donating all the monies to GLAAD. Cathy then instituted a voluntary recall of the Henson Kids’ Meal Toys because of…safety issues which included…children getting fingers stuck in…finger puppets. RRIIIGGGHHTT.  Careful Cathy, or Miss Piggy is gonna karate chop your ass.

July 23rd: Boston Mayor Menino, ” Whoa, Whoa, Whoa! Cathy, Stay off my freedom trail!”

In a letter to Chatty Cathy, Mayor Menino said he wasn’t having any of Chick-Fil-A’s hateful pickles on his freedom trail. Because the people of Boston, some of the hardest individuals of the world, are saying no to hate. On the morning of July 24th, Chicago told Chick-Fil-A to suck it as well.

July 24th: Rick Santorum, “I still love my Chick-Fil-A!”

Of course you do, Rick. There is a positive to come out of this endorsement, now anyone who knows the Dan Savage definition of Santorum is going to associate the byproduct of gay sex with the Chick-Fil-La’s special sauce. Ricky-Boy himself even loves it, just check out his twitter.

July 25th: Chatty Cathy, “Hey, let’s make up fake facebook profiles to fight against all of this backlash on the internet.”

Yeah, this happened.  As if we couldn’t tell that was fake. No one that normal looking would side with Chick-Fil-A. Plus, you can’t fool anyone on Reddit these days, they’re internet detectives that rival the likes of Shelby Woo.

Let’s Recap:

Cathy, “Fuck gays!”

Westboro, Huck-a-boo, and Santorum, “Yeah, gays smell bad!”

Henson Co., Boston, Chicago, ” Whoa, bitch. That’s fucked up.”

Fake Facebook Girl, “Chick-Fil-A is Awesome!”

Reddit, “Uh, fuck you, you’re not real.”

IS THIS REAL?! Or am I dreaming? It’s disappointing that these are the issues we’re still fighting, but it’s encouraging that people are starting to support the LGBT community. I just wish we could get past this bullshit and focus on issues that matter like my student loan debt, the economy, and the fact that Kim Kardashian might be getting married again.

One comment on “An Accurate Breakdown of the Chick-Fil-La Disaster

  1. Migs says:

    The video is hilarious and well made- much better than those other lip syncing gay boys on youtube. I feel like this whole anti-gay thing especially with chik fil a has become a spectacle, much like the games at the colosseum, just a big distraction for the public to turn their attention away from much deeper issues.

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